Quarantined Together: Secure Attachment?

Perfect time to find out your attachment style.

Just when we thought we had got a handle on things, something out of left field occurs. Social distancing, PPE, and thoughts of quarantine weren’t even on our radar not long ago. And now, they are terms that direct or influence our actions from moment to moment.

These are trying times. These are times that partners are in close quarters and forced to adjust.

Ideally, it would be so helpful to lean on a trusted partner or spouse for support and encouragement. But what if tension and unpredictability existed previously or now arises in your relationship? Rest assured, you are not alone.

Even if insecurity doesn’t directly relate to your connection, it can cause you to wonder where the next surprise is lurking when we are all under so much stress. Being quarantined together, may leave you asking yourself: is my relationship really secure?

Secure vs. Insecure Relationships

There are two general ways to ponder this distinction. Firstly, you have the standard definition of the words secure and insecure. A person may feel insecure, say, at work. This could grow from causes like downsizing, work performance, etc. In a relationship, secure vs. insecure attachment could be based on factors like communication, sex life, conflict, and so on.

Running parallel to this perspective is the concept of attachment style. A secure attachment style is the standard and is typically the result of having healthy relationships and caregiving as a child. Insecure attachments may be:

• Anxious
• Avoidant
• Preoccupied
• Disorganized

If you and your partner have an insecure attachment style, you will be more prompted to suffer when stressful circumstances arrive. Therefore, these styles are the ones that benefit the most in couples therapy.

Currently, you may feel something is off about your connection but you can’t put your finger on it. This period of quarantine may be an ideal time to talk with a online therapist  (see below) for direction. In the meantime, however, carefully ponder whether the following 5 factors are present in your everyday interactions.

5 Ways to Know If Your Relationship is Secure

1. Your Communication Style

Security is based on transparency and respect. These two factors are expressed via face-to-face communication. It is where you learn how to:

• Practice getting in touch with your needs and having the language to communicate them.
• Make apologies and offer forgiveness
• Recognize potential conflicts
• Nip negative habits in the bud
• Practice validation skills

2. The Presence of Trust

Mistrust is the fertile ground in which insecurity blooms. Take a giant step back and examine your feelings about your partner in terms of trust. Ask yourself some tough questions like:

• Can I be safely vulnerable and open with my partner?
• Is this relationship a source of comfort and reliability?
• Am I okay to be my authentic self with my partner?

See if the answers guide you to a place of security.

3. A Sense of Commitment

No matter how long you’ve been connected, you can still wonder if your partner is happy and committed. This concern can be uncomfortable to deal with. Even so, it is an important topic to regularly explore via healthy communication. Is longevity still a relationship goal for both of you?

4. Interdependence

Are you in a relationship of equals? You rely on each other but not only on each other. In terms of commitment, take a look at how you work together and lend support. Can you do so without sacrificing the core parts of your life, needs, and wellbeing? If you are unsure, you may be drifting into codependence which is a form of insecure relationship. Or do you have difficulty sharing or offering help because you are afraid you would lose yourself? If so you might me shifting into counter-dependency which is another form of insecure relationships. A counselor can help you see things objectively and suggest tools for healthier interaction.

5. You’ve Embraced Evolution and Growth

Remember the start of this post: everything changes and change can be unpredictable. Are you and your partner dealing with change and evolving together? Do you want to? Does it feel easier or more familiar to push each other away or bicker during the hard times? Difficult times present good opportunities for growth.

Love can be eternal but compatibility is fluid. To preserve relationship harmony, try to tap into compassion, humor, and shared goals. This time of being quarantined together, may be an opportune to prune old resentments and grow in a new, healthy direction.

Work With a Guide While being Quarantined Together

We are all called to be brave socially and relationally. It is indeed unexpected. But it is also quite doable. Mental health experts and relationship counselors are ready a willing to meet with you through online therapy. You can explore the security of your relationship safely at home. To find out if you and your partner are at that point, read when to look for therapy.

It is quite possible that your relationship just needs some extra support. Or it could be that one or both of you carries and insecure attachment and therefore, being quarantined only exacerbates more of the underlying issue. Choosing to commit to counseling — individually or as a couple — is a giant step toward greater awareness. Your therapist is like an unbiased, yet highly qualified guide.

Together we can break down the nuances of your couple connection and identify where any weak links may exist. This process can be healing and preventative. If you’re thinking you’re not the kind of couple that needs counseling, please refer back to the breaking news. Life’s path is unpredictable, a loving, secure relationship can help soothe us along the way.

If you want to know more about your attachment style, take one or more of the following quizzes:

http://www.attachmentrepatterning.com/attachment-quiz/

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

http://www.attachedthebook.com/compatibility-quiz/

If you still have questions, please contact us a free consultation. Isabelkirk@gmail.com or 703-231-7991.